What are they? - part II
- The dysfunctional pattern is adopted by most members of the nuclear family
- Social isolation, self-esteem and self-confidence attacks
- Attack to your perception of reality
- Fear and unsafety feelings' instigation
- Defamation, putting forward multiple obstacles, exclusion, need to nitpick daily about insignificant, distorted or simply invented things
- Punishment if the target shows his will or makes efforts in the sense of leaving the dysfunctional dynamics
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Scapegoating Families
What Are They?
- Violent pattern of family dysfunction
- With the election of a preferential target inside the family
- Generally, the target is elected by one of the parents, who has a severe personality disorder
- The dysfunctional pattern is used to keep the family united, in a pathological and distorted way
- The other members of the nuclear family get secondary gains from such form of functioning (among which not assuming responsibility for their own acts), which are not always conscious but when they become conscious remain very hard to modify
- Pattern of misplaced blame, projection, negation
- Blackmail, cruelty, psychological pressure, coersion of the target
- Emotional, psychological and sometimes also physical violence, which persist for years or decades
- Violent pattern of family dysfunction
- With the election of a preferential target inside the family
- Generally, the target is elected by one of the parents, who has a severe personality disorder
- The dysfunctional pattern is used to keep the family united, in a pathological and distorted way
- The other members of the nuclear family get secondary gains from such form of functioning (among which not assuming responsibility for their own acts), which are not always conscious but when they become conscious remain very hard to modify
- Pattern of misplaced blame, projection, negation
- Blackmail, cruelty, psychological pressure, coersion of the target
- Emotional, psychological and sometimes also physical violence, which persist for years or decades
THE DON'TS
Whatever the circumstances, please DON'T:
- Get isolated, or let others isolate you
- Blame yourself
- Let anyone put you down
- Hope for sick patterns to change, they won't
- Delay your life because of someone else
- Mistrust people in general because of bad experiences with some individuals who happened to be close to you
- Seek revenge (different from justice)
- Allow your personal limits to be ignored
- Take care of others more than yourself
- Worry more about others (due to guilt) than pamper yourself
- Try to cope with unbearable situations
- Try to change those people you trust - you really don't, for numerous reasons - and depend of, try to trust other people instead and depend more of yourself
- Cheat yourself and pretend "things can go on the same way" or "things are not so bad after all" - this only means your self-esteem is being affected and you need trust, care and empowerment instead
- Get isolated, or let others isolate you
- Blame yourself
- Let anyone put you down
- Hope for sick patterns to change, they won't
- Delay your life because of someone else
- Mistrust people in general because of bad experiences with some individuals who happened to be close to you
- Seek revenge (different from justice)
- Allow your personal limits to be ignored
- Take care of others more than yourself
- Worry more about others (due to guilt) than pamper yourself
- Try to cope with unbearable situations
- Try to change those people you trust - you really don't, for numerous reasons - and depend of, try to trust other people instead and depend more of yourself
- Cheat yourself and pretend "things can go on the same way" or "things are not so bad after all" - this only means your self-esteem is being affected and you need trust, care and empowerment instead
Family - the definition
Provocations for Santa's thought (or whoever reads us):
- What is a family for you?
- What are families' roles in society?
- How do those differ from one society to another and why?
- What can we do to help scapegoats of families, in practical terms (besides calling them masochists or making them responsible for what they are not)?
- How to break negative ties?
- What is psychological violence?
- What are the limits for family agression?
- Who establishes them?
- What chances outside the family?
- How can our basic belonging needs be met otherwise, for the society to benefit from us, our talents and qualities as fully functional and happy human beings?
- How good and helpful is our global human family? Ask family scapegoats.
- What can be done, which hasn't been done until now?
- What is a family for you?
- What are families' roles in society?
- How do those differ from one society to another and why?
- What can we do to help scapegoats of families, in practical terms (besides calling them masochists or making them responsible for what they are not)?
- How to break negative ties?
- What is psychological violence?
- What are the limits for family agression?
- Who establishes them?
- What chances outside the family?
- How can our basic belonging needs be met otherwise, for the society to benefit from us, our talents and qualities as fully functional and happy human beings?
- How good and helpful is our global human family? Ask family scapegoats.
- What can be done, which hasn't been done until now?
Christmas - The "Family Celebration" Holiday
The "Family Celebration" can be specially painful inside broken, dysfunctional or scapegoating families. With the coming holidays, many of you will feel lonely, uncomfortable or inside a private family-promoted surreal theatre play.
Share with us stories about your Christmas, tell us what Christmas is all about for you and give ideas to turn this holiday memorable instead of disastrous.
Share with us stories about your Christmas, tell us what Christmas is all about for you and give ideas to turn this holiday memorable instead of disastrous.
Helpful Sites
Here are some suggestions for those looking for more information:
http://thrulookinglass-backwhen.blogspot.com/
http://www.bullyonline.org/
http://www.bullyonline.org/thefieldfoundation/index.htm - The Field Foundation
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Am-The-Family-Scapegoat/9049 - Share experiences with other people who were/are in similar situations. You'll be amazed about how many similar things you've gone through alone.
http://thrulookinglass-backwhen.blogspot.com/
http://www.bullyonline.org/
http://www.bullyonline.org/thefieldfoundation/index.htm - The Field Foundation
http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Am-The-Family-Scapegoat/9049 - Share experiences with other people who were/are in similar situations. You'll be amazed about how many similar things you've gone through alone.
About Our Project
We try to build a better, fairer and happier world, where healty, strong, intelligent, creative and able human beings have the right to develop their potentialities, see their needs (of dignity, peace, living in a non-hostile environment, etc.) fulfilled and be legally, humanly and psychologically protected and cared, if they had the bad luck of being born and raised in adverse or emotionally pathological environments, so they can become full-contributing members of democratic and modern societies. We are optimistic about human nature, optimistic about the future and optimistic about public awareness. We know that many people aren't conscious of this reality and, even more, that it is still a TABU to a great extent. How can the State (or anyone, for that matter) interfere with violence inside the "sacred family"?
Well, what would you know? We defend that shiny smiles and dreams' accomplishment are wonderful antidotes, as information is a powerful tool.
Well, what would you know? We defend that shiny smiles and dreams' accomplishment are wonderful antidotes, as information is a powerful tool.
Please share your experience with us and let this solidary snow ball grow!
Family Bullying
Verbal, emotional and physical violence, abuse, self-esteem attacks and bullying behaviors in families are undeniably a crime. Undeniably? It depends… as much as human rights depend on something. Many european countries – especially in the mediterranean, where most abuses are justified as long as they occur inside a family, that kind of over-protected social “capsule”… – don’t concern much about such issues, have no hotlines nor support institutions (or have ghost-institutions which don’t work as they were supposed to) and, worst than that, the society as a whole seems to believe in this ideology according to which what happens inside a family should be solved inside it as well, with no external interference whatsoever and as much silence as possible around it. Perhaps this is an ultimate evidence of the catholic “sacred family” unconscious influence, and an evidence of redemption through sacrifice as well?
“Against your family you should not fight nor plea, what a shameful thing to do…”, the social walls echo around the braver and more lonely individuals, who then become completely ostracized. This “blood of your blood” biological logic legitimates so many injustices still, as if one would be forced to bear any kind of violence, abuse or insult just because he/she was randomly born in a given family or group of people, who happen to be destructive towards one member of the group, the scapegoat, on whom they project all their bad aspects, thoughts and feelings, hence getting rid of them by means of a pathological way of functioning, which is the only one they will ever know. The “family-capsule” logic thus overcomes the democratic logic, something to worry about.
Berber and Arabian heritages should have had their influence as well. Though, traditionally, in Arabian culture different people are all considered a brotherhood and equal human beings among themselves, and power is faced as corrupting those who use it, in practical terms blood or belonging “families” (either genetic or extended) play an essential role anyway, mostly in the affirmation of the privileged over the poor, the men over the women and the faithful ones over the unfaithful people.
The powerless feeling is inevitably related with abuse of power from someone else. When a group martyrizes an individual, poles are not balanced and the situation is unfair (to say the truth, it is sometimes dehuman enough when groups fight between them… so an individual against a group is something cruel). Nevertheless, some still somehow believe that if such unfairness systematically occurs inside a family, then it is forgivable and understandable because you should relate with your family so you can be considered a “normal” human being in a given society. In certain cases, though, the price of being considered “normal” is equivalent to accept being massacred and destroyed. Is it more “normal” for a blood or belonging family to destroy an individual? Should the group be always right, the “natural” group, for as aggressive as it is? Intriguing questions…
His/her relation to family is supposed so signal the level of adequacy of an individual in some societies. And this common sense belief isn’t completely unwise, except when it assumes the form of a blood family dictatorship (when it can only accept the individual if he keeps relating with blood family, for as destructive as such relation is for him), or when it legitimates obvious or unapparent bullying from origin family as if a “natural” thing to bear, as genes for example, or a kind of pre-established faith to which the individual must be subdued to. Higher levels of hypocrisy are hard to imagine, although some societies as a whole seem blind to them.
Bullying families are one of the most disastrous social problems that modern societies have to face and solve. If they cannot solve it, they cannot be called modern societies, since they will keep presenting a fundamental human rights’ deficit.
“Against your family you should not fight nor plea, what a shameful thing to do…”, the social walls echo around the braver and more lonely individuals, who then become completely ostracized. This “blood of your blood” biological logic legitimates so many injustices still, as if one would be forced to bear any kind of violence, abuse or insult just because he/she was randomly born in a given family or group of people, who happen to be destructive towards one member of the group, the scapegoat, on whom they project all their bad aspects, thoughts and feelings, hence getting rid of them by means of a pathological way of functioning, which is the only one they will ever know. The “family-capsule” logic thus overcomes the democratic logic, something to worry about.
Berber and Arabian heritages should have had their influence as well. Though, traditionally, in Arabian culture different people are all considered a brotherhood and equal human beings among themselves, and power is faced as corrupting those who use it, in practical terms blood or belonging “families” (either genetic or extended) play an essential role anyway, mostly in the affirmation of the privileged over the poor, the men over the women and the faithful ones over the unfaithful people.
The powerless feeling is inevitably related with abuse of power from someone else. When a group martyrizes an individual, poles are not balanced and the situation is unfair (to say the truth, it is sometimes dehuman enough when groups fight between them… so an individual against a group is something cruel). Nevertheless, some still somehow believe that if such unfairness systematically occurs inside a family, then it is forgivable and understandable because you should relate with your family so you can be considered a “normal” human being in a given society. In certain cases, though, the price of being considered “normal” is equivalent to accept being massacred and destroyed. Is it more “normal” for a blood or belonging family to destroy an individual? Should the group be always right, the “natural” group, for as aggressive as it is? Intriguing questions…
His/her relation to family is supposed so signal the level of adequacy of an individual in some societies. And this common sense belief isn’t completely unwise, except when it assumes the form of a blood family dictatorship (when it can only accept the individual if he keeps relating with blood family, for as destructive as such relation is for him), or when it legitimates obvious or unapparent bullying from origin family as if a “natural” thing to bear, as genes for example, or a kind of pre-established faith to which the individual must be subdued to. Higher levels of hypocrisy are hard to imagine, although some societies as a whole seem blind to them.
Bullying families are one of the most disastrous social problems that modern societies have to face and solve. If they cannot solve it, they cannot be called modern societies, since they will keep presenting a fundamental human rights’ deficit.
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